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A Hersheys Chocolate Almond bar

First let me just say I love my children and give my all to them. However, if you have children you know they always want what you have. It’s their nature.  BUT I am that mom that will stop to get her favorite candy bar and drive slow home. I swear it’s almost the most sweetest savory peaceful snack time. I enjoy every bite. I just had to share this because I know some Moms who would look at this odd. But as I was enjoying my snack I was thinking how  good it is to have something without -can I, what do you have, why didn’t you get me, and so on. Just a Mommy thought…..

I never thought about it…

My husband and I have been friends since high school. I guess this is what allowed us to work through so many problems. In a casual conversation today he said “if you think about it, you have been the constant in my life.” I never really thought about it until today.  Through all the problems we always came back together even when I was determined to move on. He can detach from people and jobs, but not me. 

Thinking now I just wish that would have been strong enough to prevent so many hurt feelings caused by so many actions. But in the end…it has made us love stronger and harder. It’s hard to understand why people do the things they do but we love them beyond faults. 

God has a purpose for us….

Oceanview

There is something about the ocean that makes you reflect on life. It makes you thankful and makes you meditate on what you have. 

My husband and I had a little time this weekend by the ocean without the kids. We just celebrated each other and had uninterrupted time. 

He said something that very relevant. The ocean is strong, aggressive,  peaceful, demands respect, and it’s filled with life. 

As soon as he said this I thought of marriage,love, and relationships. A marriage is strong, full of life, demands respect if the individuals do, you find peace in each other, and you are strong for each other. Love can flow and breathe life to you just as the ocean to its inhabitants. 

Just a thought….

New Year and New Goals 

So many people make these huge resolutions each year. Well, I don’t and that may be good or bad. I have things that are a work in progress. 

My goal is to always be a better wife and mother. One major thing I want to do better is stress less. I want to worry less about having a spotless house and just let things be sometimes. So what if clothes are on the sofa or if the table has a little dust. I’m beginning to realize some things can wait. The problem is I have to make myself sit down. I can’t stand disorder, dust,  and dirty dishes. So I’m a work in progress to relax more. You would think this would be easy,  right?

I want to visit a waterfall, go to the mountains, and plan a girl’s  weekend. Can you tell I want more relaxation this year? I think the whole family could do some different activities that are relaxing and more about nature. We are always so busy with sports and school.  

So hoping for a new year with new adventures. 

Secrets…

Hello. Its been a while since I posted anything but today I decided to give you a little of why marriage and relationships are important to me.

I listen to people many times and give advice. Sometimes it is hard to give advice because I try to give it without discussing my past.  I guess deep down in my soul I still feel a little humiliated. Or maybe I’m just concerned about having people judge me. Truth is I kept my marital problems a secret because I did not want to be seen as a failure or someone whose marriage failed. I also knew that if I wanted to work it out I did not need people telling me what they thought about the situation.  I also was completely  embarrassed. See many times, people judge someone for staying in a marriage where there is infidelity.  Especially, infidelity with lasting consequences.  When I say a secret, I mean not even my mother knows. Only two people that were close to me at the time know  all the intricate details.

Now someone close to me is going through betrayal.  The difference is they are not married.  I want to tell this person that I have been there but yet can’t.  Once I say I understand because I’ve  been there that will lead to more questions that I am not ready to discuss. Letting family know certain matters can be extremely hard.

I started this blog as a vent for me but with also the hopes of helping someone else that may be going through hurt. Here no one knows me and I can speak freely. You can judge and that is fine. In the long run I hope I help someone.

Nine years ago, my intuition was proven. I tell anyone follow your gut because usually it is correct. I was sitting in my living room. I saw a SUV pass my house. Without ever seeing this vehicle someh0w I knew trouble was coming.  Her friend came to the door first and I told them to go around to the back. When the actual person approached me, I think I went numb.  Not only was there an affair but they had started a family.  Not only did I get this news but that there were three children. Two of which are the same age as two of ours.  (you can put those pieces together) Well she was mad because supposedly he decided to stop the “madness” and be home.  Before this he would be gone days/ nights at a time. Always the excuse he was working at a temp job trying to get more money.  Apparently, she had been messing around as well because he wasn’t even sure two were his. ( are you still with me…drama, right?…yes I know) I have never hated someone as much as I hated them.  She has attempted to destroy us since 2008.  We somehow managed to work through all this but it has not been easy. Honestly, I would say we really got our marriage where it should have been three years ago.

In 2007, I let my hurt and loneliness get  the best of me. I was at my breaking point . I was pregnant and frustrated.  I let a person get to close to me and had an affair to.  My affair lasted four months. The kicker was when he found out you would have thought I was the worst person ever.  In my mind I was like I know you are cheating , you are never home, bills late, and you have the audacity.  So when his stuff can to light a year later, I reminded him how he treated me. Honestly, I was lonely and tired of excuses because I knew in my gut. Mentally I had left the marriage.

You may be wondering, how could I not know this. Well my gut instinct knew but my heart wanted proof which I could never really get  I felt like I had no where to go. I wasn’t about to move in with my parents with three children and admit my  husband had cheated on me and had other children. I wasn’t ready for that.  I shut down. I hated him. Didn’t want to be near him in any way. We lost our home and had to move in to a two bedroom house. The kids got the bedrooms and we took the sofas.  We lived this way for seven months. But in that seven months we started working on our marriage. We started doing things together to strengthen us.  No it was a long ways from easy. We had some nasty arguments. The hurt was truly there along with no trust.  When you have been betrayed there is nothing you can do to feel better quickly. Only time and that can be years.

Between 2008 and 2012, there were so many problems. Did he do it again? Yes, he did. But I think after the outcome of that situation he was done.  I wish  the man he is today he could have been all those years.  But the important thing is we got it right in the long run.

How did we bond again?

We began working out together. The gym became our neutral place. We pushed each other and it gave us time together to not think about the problems all day long. At least 2 hours a day we could focus on something positive. We got back in church too. We got back to watching movies together. Yes, those small things strengthen our marriage again.  It helped us but we still had our problems. We just learned to work through the problems.

 If you have experienced this, I would love to hear from you. Did you leave or stay? What helped you?

 

Insecurities or uncontrolled thoughts

Sometimes I have to control my thoughts and sometimes it can be pretty hard.  Even though I know things are good and we are where we are suppose to be past situations sometimes pop into my mind. It is a real struggle sometimes to shake off those thoughts and not be a bad mood. It will go into feeling insecure and doubting what you know is true.  It will be subtle reminders of something that happened. Usually it has nothing to do with my spouse currently but it can trigger from something on television or something someone says in my presence. Sometimes the least little thing will take me eight years back and then I have to calm myself because I feel angry or hurt. Oh and those “what if ” thoughts can really mess up things.

Well lets be honest, trust and marriage is work. It is work even in the best of times so  you know it is work in the midst of trouble.  Marriage is not for the weak. So rebuilding a marriage is definitely not for the weak. It takes perseverance, patience, trust, communication, love, and lots of listening. It takes getting to understand each other triggers. It takes patience on the one that has caused the rift in  the relationship.

When my mind starts to go way out in left field, I have to remind things are different. I have to remind myself he is here and has given me no reasons to second guess him. When I wake up every morning it is his arms around me and there is no place I rather be.

I believe it is spiritual as with many personal things each one of us deals with. We all have something that we are dealing with and knowing when it is an spiritual attack can really make a difference. Yes, it is my mind or your mind; however, it is an attack on our peace of mind that we have to  bring into submission.  Also, knowing and recognizing what is present in your life.

Date Nights

Date nights are refreshing and rejuvenating. Whether you spend it together or with other couples.  It is nice to just have grown up fun, laughs and to eat in peace.  I know at first it may seem selfish to leave the kids but couples need time without the children. If not you risk losing  what bought you together.  Keeping your marriage and relationship fun and finding common interest can save a marriage.

When we were going through a rough time eight years ago we started working out together. I will be honest and say that it save our marriage. We went to classes and worked out alone together. We encourage each other and soon we began getting over the issue that had almost tore us apart.  Now the children are old enough to stay at home a few hours while we go out.

If you have to try to find a sitter but at least once a month make it date night if only for a couple of hours.  If you can not get out put the kids to bed early. Light some candles and have a nice dinner without television. Go for a walk or meet for lunch. But whatever you do make it about you two. I had to realize its true what they say. The kids will move out and you two will be at home alone one day. You do not want the only interest to be your kids because when they are gone what will you have? Just a little food for thought from a mom of three children.

Be a woman about your business but don’t be cruel or insensitive…

I have noticed that many times women do not like to help other women. I think it is ridiculous to not want to help someone succeed especially if you have gotten to a successful point in your career.  It is a terrible thing to tear another woman down or speak down to them about their successes. You are displaying jealousy and it is very unappealing. It is great to be about your business but you should always want to build up someone else. Just because you may be scared to step out of your comfort zone never speak negative to someone who is trying to move out theirs. Remember you didn’t get to where you are alone. Someone gave you a chance at some point that was a stepping stone no matter how small that stone may have been. Be a mentor, be a leader, be an example of a woman that knows her worth and ability to help.  Don’t be afraid that someone may out do you because if you are good at what you do then you will be just fine.

Twenty-four years From high school to now…

My husband and I have been together since high school.  A few people we know have been with their high school sweetheart or college love since the beginning.  Now we had our arguments and blow ups especially early on. You know in high school those arguments that make you feel like your whole world is falling down because you don’t know any better. Honestly, do we really know love at that age.  We think we do but not really. But then that “puppy love” starts to develop into something else.  We find ourselves in new territory.

The older we get the more things get serious.  The reactions we have to situations become more serious and we start to evaluate each other. The older we get the more we evaluate our love and time. We begin to want more and begin to develop strengths. We begin to accept less excuses and see our worth.

Now twenty four years later, sixteen years of marriage, three children later we understand each other and love each other like we never knew could exist. Through all the lies, hurt, laughs, cries, prayers, and happy moments we are content. We know what we have in each other. We know what it feels like  to be on the verge of losing one another. We know what it means to fight for the one you love. We know what it means to sacrifice. We understand unconditional love, for better or worse, sickness, and health.

We have seen each other grow up basically. We are each others best friend. What a difference twenty four years can make.