Secrets…

Hello. Its been a while since I posted anything but today I decided to give you a little of why marriage and relationships are important to me.

I listen to people many times and give advice. Sometimes it is hard to give advice because I try to give it without discussing my past.  I guess deep down in my soul I still feel a little humiliated. Or maybe I’m just concerned about having people judge me. Truth is I kept my marital problems a secret because I did not want to be seen as a failure or someone whose marriage failed. I also knew that if I wanted to work it out I did not need people telling me what they thought about the situation.  I also was completely  embarrassed. See many times, people judge someone for staying in a marriage where there is infidelity.  Especially, infidelity with lasting consequences.  When I say a secret, I mean not even my mother knows. Only two people that were close to me at the time know  all the intricate details.

Now someone close to me is going through betrayal.  The difference is they are not married.  I want to tell this person that I have been there but yet can’t.  Once I say I understand because I’ve  been there that will lead to more questions that I am not ready to discuss. Letting family know certain matters can be extremely hard.

I started this blog as a vent for me but with also the hopes of helping someone else that may be going through hurt. Here no one knows me and I can speak freely. You can judge and that is fine. In the long run I hope I help someone.

Nine years ago, my intuition was proven. I tell anyone follow your gut because usually it is correct. I was sitting in my living room. I saw a SUV pass my house. Without ever seeing this vehicle someh0w I knew trouble was coming.  Her friend came to the door first and I told them to go around to the back. When the actual person approached me, I think I went numb.  Not only was there an affair but they had started a family.  Not only did I get this news but that there were three children. Two of which are the same age as two of ours.  (you can put those pieces together) Well she was mad because supposedly he decided to stop the “madness” and be home.  Before this he would be gone days/ nights at a time. Always the excuse he was working at a temp job trying to get more money.  Apparently, she had been messing around as well because he wasn’t even sure two were his. ( are you still with me…drama, right?…yes I know) I have never hated someone as much as I hated them.  She has attempted to destroy us since 2008.  We somehow managed to work through all this but it has not been easy. Honestly, I would say we really got our marriage where it should have been three years ago.

In 2007, I let my hurt and loneliness get  the best of me. I was at my breaking point . I was pregnant and frustrated.  I let a person get to close to me and had an affair to.  My affair lasted four months. The kicker was when he found out you would have thought I was the worst person ever.  In my mind I was like I know you are cheating , you are never home, bills late, and you have the audacity.  So when his stuff can to light a year later, I reminded him how he treated me. Honestly, I was lonely and tired of excuses because I knew in my gut. Mentally I had left the marriage.

You may be wondering, how could I not know this. Well my gut instinct knew but my heart wanted proof which I could never really get  I felt like I had no where to go. I wasn’t about to move in with my parents with three children and admit my  husband had cheated on me and had other children. I wasn’t ready for that.  I shut down. I hated him. Didn’t want to be near him in any way. We lost our home and had to move in to a two bedroom house. The kids got the bedrooms and we took the sofas.  We lived this way for seven months. But in that seven months we started working on our marriage. We started doing things together to strengthen us.  No it was a long ways from easy. We had some nasty arguments. The hurt was truly there along with no trust.  When you have been betrayed there is nothing you can do to feel better quickly. Only time and that can be years.

Between 2008 and 2012, there were so many problems. Did he do it again? Yes, he did. But I think after the outcome of that situation he was done.  I wish  the man he is today he could have been all those years.  But the important thing is we got it right in the long run.

How did we bond again?

We began working out together. The gym became our neutral place. We pushed each other and it gave us time together to not think about the problems all day long. At least 2 hours a day we could focus on something positive. We got back in church too. We got back to watching movies together. Yes, those small things strengthen our marriage again.  It helped us but we still had our problems. We just learned to work through the problems.

 If you have experienced this, I would love to hear from you. Did you leave or stay? What helped you?

 

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